In addition to Tarot, I also read Oracle decks. In this post, I briefly describe the difference between Oracle decks and Tarot and give a brief introduction to how I learn to read a new deck.
Depression and the depressed side of bipolar get a lot of attention, in the media and in society. Many people know someone that has battled depression at some point in their lives.
Most people don't know anything about the manic side. They are told that it is the "up" side of bipolar, the creative side. And it is.
But it is also can be just as destructive as the depressed side.
Symptoms of mania include three or more of the following (when not caused by drugs):
inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
decreased need for sleep (such as feeling rested after only 3-4 hours of sleep)
more talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
distractibility (attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation.
excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (such as unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)
Full mania can also lead to psychosis and hallucinations. Hypomania ("little" mania) of the bipolar II has all the same symptoms, but lack psychosis and supposedly aren't severe enough to interfere with daily life.
A couple of years ago, on another internet forum, someone postulated that he would simply love to have bipolar instead of unipolar depression, because at least then there is an upside.
We had quite the argument where I was trying to explain that "upside" really wasn't. I don't know if I was successful.
It seems as though an increase in "goal-directed activity" should be a good thing, and it can be, to a point. The creative people with bipolar tend to create in this state. But, there's a passage in An Unquiet Mindwhere Kay Redfield Jamison describes mania:
“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you're high it's tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one's marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends' faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against-- you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”
photo from Unprofound.com This is what my thoughts feel like at times - going by so fast I can't capture one - blurs out everything
When I look back at certain periods of my life, I can clearly see now that I was manic then.
In particular, my promiscuity screams loud and clear about being hypomanic. I know I lost a couple of good guys because of it, but for the most part, I didn't see my one night stands as people. I assumed that men were always out for sex and I took advantage of that. Having to explain to a perfectly nice guy that you really were only using him for sex is not the most fun thing in the world. So I started sleeping with guys I didn't like. Now, how fucked up is THAT? I haven't dated at all since my diagnoses in Dec. 1999, so I'm certainly over that. :P
But some other symptoms. . .
In 1991, I received about $4000 worth of back pay. It was the most money I've ever had at one time, and I almost couldn't wrap my brain around having that much. In the next few weeks, I managed to spend $7000. I know SOME of what I spent it on: a stereo, a small tv, VCR, some CDs, some clothes, rented a car, luggage. Other than that? Not a clue. And now I was in debt, having written bad checks to the Exchange and to the US Government. It lead to me losing a prime assignment in the military.
While I've never spent to that extent again, I do sometimes still. . . lose track of how much I've spent. I have bought some "fun" things (books, yarn, etc) before paying bills. When I'm thinking clearly, I don't do that; I can budget damn well. But at times, my judgment is off.
Talking. Gods, the talking.
Recently, C told me that one of the parents at TKD commented that I tell everybody everything (i.e. too much) about my life.
The thing is, I know I do it. I know people don't want to hear this shit. But I can't STOP. If I'm feeling social, I talk and talk and talk and talk. I take over conversations. I get the "teacher voice" and sound like an authority on everything. Hell, I think I AM an authority on everything.
And I can hear myself doing it.
And I can't stop.
I talk so fast people don't understand what I'm saying. I have been somewhat successful in consciously slowing down my speech at times, but if I don't concentrate very hard, I lose that. And LOUD. My voice will carry across a room.
That may seem like a small thing, talking too much. But it can be socially devastating. Who wants to be around the loudmouth that takes over all the conversations and/or makes them all about her? Who wants to be around the parent who does that?
I'm not like that all the time, but when I'm not, social interactions are . . . difficult. For one thing, I'm embarrassed about how I act when hypo-manic. I've become more and more withdrawn over the years.
There was a day last week where I was awake for approximately 41 hours. I dozed for about 10-15 minutes at a time at various times, but never really reached sleep. And it took medication to get me to sleep even after that. By the time I took the meds, I could not concentrate on anything for more than 2-3 minutes. I felt. . . floaty, disconnected from my body, light-headed. Luckily, I have medication to do this (with my doctor's knowledge and blessing). If I was still unaware that this is a danger sign or didn't have the medication, it could have lead to some bad stuff.
Oh, my home would probably be a little cleaner, and maybe I would have a few more things written, but one thing about mania that I think doesn't get enough press is irritability.
I have a very short fuse when manic. C is good about pointing out to me, "Why are you shouting at me?" when I don't even realize I'm shouting. I can be very grumpy while at the same time feeling free enough to do whatever the hell I please.
It's a love/hate relationship with the mania. I *do* get more accomplished. I do start things when in this phase. I get a lot of great ideas. This is also the time when I say, "Fuck it!" and take chances, do new things, go places I've never been and so on.
It can be fun. But it can also be just as destructive as the depressive side.
These week I am using Celtic Messages
Oracle deck by Joules Taylor. There are several layouts that came with this set that I only use with this deck. There are 52 cards broken down by color into Helpers, Places, Tools and Totems. The cards are round, so all the positive and negative connotations of the cards are in each one.
The center card is supposed to represent my state of mind. 1. The Triskele - The Hero/Goddess Bride is a Helper that brings a message of the unconditional love of a mother. She is also the regenerative force, the sun, fire and fertility. [hmmm?]
The card below and to the right is supposed to be where I am in the situation, "physically or mentally". 23. The Hillfort with keywords of refuge, safety, security. [I don't feel very secure at the moment, but I am looking for security.] Ah! "Now is the time to find like-minded people to defend what is important to you." That makes a bit more sense.
The card above is what I can do to improve the matter. 20. The Hill with keyword perspective. Take a step back and look at the plan as a whole.
The card below and to the left is the result. 36. Torc with keywords wealth, money matters, status. Looks like that can be good or bad. It might mean an unexpected windfall or it might mean an unexpected bill. :P Wish I knew which!
I will say that many readings I've done in the last month keep indicating that I will be ok financially, but I'm not really sure what form that will take.
I didn't ask a specific question when I pulled the cards, and I have to admit, I'm not totally sure what this is referring to.
Regeneration, finding others to defend important things, stepping back for perspective, money.
This could be about my business or looking for a job. If so, it's mostly positive.
Trigger warning - this post talks about suicide and suicide rates. For some merely talking about the topic can be triggering.
A couple of weeks ago, I came across this video of an interview with Stephen Fry (a British actor, if you are unfamiliar; and if you are unfamiliar look up Fry & Laurie, a comedy sketch show where he teamed up with Hugh Laurie of House long ago). He has been diagnosed with cyclothymia. Cyclothymia is technically a separate diagnosis from bipolar; the Mayo Clinic describes it as, "Cyclothymia causes emotional ups and down, but they're not as extreme as in bipolar type 1 or 2". Stephen himself calls it the most mild form of bipolar. They are certainly closely related mood disorders.
In the video, he calls Bipolar a "morbid" disease and then qualifies it as "morbid in the medical sense - it kills people." (He has a lot of other good things to say, too, like the part about it being like the weather and the story of the guy who stood in front of a lorry (truck)).
And it does, in the sense that the suicide rate among those with bipolar is higher than in the general population.
". . . the rate of prior suicide attempt is higher in biplar II patients, and bipoloar II disorder is overrepresented in depressed suicide victims. Among patients with different clinical manifestations of major mood disorders (unipolar major depression, bipolar and bipolar II disorder), bipolar patients in general and bipolar II subjects in particular carry the highest risk of suicide."
People with bipolar II tend to spend more time in a depressed state. Some researchers even suggest that major depressive disorder and episodes are really on a spectrum of bipolar II.
And there is data that the clear majority of people who attempt suicide are in the grips of a depressive episode (78-89%), about 11-20% attempt during a "dysphoric manic" state, that is a mixed state. A mixed state can be either "dysphoric mania" or "agitated depression".
I know, for me, when deeply depressed, I may think about it, but I don't have the energy to actually DO anything. For me, a mixed state is much more dangerous. Having the energy and agitation of mania and the thought patterns of depression? Very dangerous.
So, what can you do to help someone? I guess I often assume that everyone has been exposed to information on avoiding suicide and/or other mental health issues, so it feels repetitive to me to post it yet again. But maybe someone reading this might need the info so. . . .
Talking about it. When someone is talking about suicide, they aren't just being melodramatic, they are asking for help. When someone jokes about it, too. I used to make statements such as, "Maybe I should take myself out of everyone else's misery." (It was apparently a little subtle for most people to pick up on - but at the time, I was pretty serious.)
Gathering stuff that will help them do it, the examples given by the Mayo Clinic include stockpiling pills or buying a weapon.
Withdrawing from social contact.
Mood swings (which, you know, for a rapidly cycling bipolar would be ALL THE TIME)
Preoccupation with death
Feeling trapped and hopeless
Increasing use of alcohol and/or drugs (also known as self-medicated)
Changing eating and/or sleeping patterns.
Risky and self-destructive behavior.
Giving away treasured belongings and/or "setting affairs in order".
Personality changes and/or being severely agitated or anxious.
The problem is, some people don't show anything at all. They keep their feelings and thoughts to themselves. Those are the most dangerous, of course.
If you feel this way, if this is you, the best thing is to reach out for help.
Problem is, for me, that's the time when it's most difficult to ask for help.
There are hotlines you can call, family/friends and medical professionals you can reach out to for help.
Since I am now selling Tarot readings, I thought I'd give you guys a peek into some stuff I do for myself.
I will say that a lot of the time I was depressed (so much of the last 10 years), I did not have a consistent spiritual practice, and that includes not using cards for a long time.
But lately, I have been more consistent. I'm reopening myself to the spiritual, being in tune with myself again.
One of the things I like to do is draw cards for myself from time to time. I'd like to say that I do it daily, but that would be a bit disingenuous. I have the intention of doing it daily, but too often I allow other things to get in the way.
I'm working on practicing more with newer, non-Tarot Oracle decks. There are some really wonderful ones out there. Oracle cards are more modern than Tarot. They may or may not use traditional imagery. I'm really drawn to ones that are pretty new. They usually have between 40-60 cards, as opposed to 78 in a Tarot deck. They are not organized the same way as Tarot. Currently, I'm spending a lot of time with Wisdom of the Hidden Realms by Colette Baron-Reid.
I would like to post a weekly reading, so you can see a bit of what I do. I am still learning this deck, so I do use the book a bit, but I then meditate on what the book says and interpret it by what it means to/for me (or a client). If I used Baron-Reid's words, I will use quotes.
In this book, for most of the cards, if the card is upright, the spiritual character listed is an Ally. If reversed, s/he is a challenger. Some of you that have already gotten a 3 card reading may realize that this is slightly different from how I do a 3-card with Tarot. Different cards, different way to read. :) But there are always different ways to interpret. The thing is to be clear on what you are doing before you draw the cards.
First Card - Present influence
The first card here, representing a present influence, is The Lady of Lightening, as a Challenger.
She warns of unexpected bad news, but also gives hope in the form of a message to wait out the storm.
I think I know what that is about. I don't feel like sharing that here and now, though.
Second Card - Suggested Action
The Diamond Dreamer as an Ally.
His keywords, seen on the card, are material wealth, and true prosperity.
Apparently, he helps create coincidences to help you reach your goals. "If you want a house, you'll be led to it, if your priority is a new job, with the right continual steps, you will achieve this."
On Friday night, I found a listing on a temp agency's website for a "Math Content Editor" that seems to fit a lot of my skill-set. The pay is FABULOUS.
But he reminds me that I have to do some work, too. Today, I need to tweak my resume to fit the requirements and get it actually sent! (This is one of my biggest stumbling blocks). They can't know I'm perfect for the job if I don't tell them.
Third Card - Probably outcome (based on 2)
The Cosmos - The keywords here are creativity and vastness.
This card is ALWAYS an Ally, even when reversed.
On the creativity side, "Remember. . . you're always co-creating with the Divine."
It talks about how we are all interconnected and when I do things, they affect others, even if I don't know how. It's a message to keep creating and changing things - go forward. But there's also a message to "be mindful of your thoughts and actions: both are influencing your outer world."
Overall
It's all well and good to break down each card like that, but what does it mean that they were drawn together, in this order, on this day? This is where the intuition part comes in.
What I'm getting is that even though I may feel like I'm in a bad place right now (Lady of Lightening), if I keep making an effort towards things I want (both Diamond Dreamer and Cosmos), and I am clear in my intention (Diamond Dreamer), and I allow my creativity to come through (Cosmos), things will start to pull together for me - I will get what I want (both Diamond Dreamer and Cosmos).
1. Tarot offerings - I originally wasn't sure how I'd feel about doing readings remotely. I thought that I'd prefer to do live readings with Skype or Google + Hangouts, but found that I actually enjoy having the time to reflect, let the cards sit a bit, and then type up the readings. So, I changed it to offer all the readings by default as PDF files via email and mention that I can be available for the live readings as well.
I also added a longer 7-card reading at a low introductory price ($20), but all intro prices expire on April 30!
2. I added an Amazon Affiliate store. I've always linked to products on Amazon through my affiliate id., but it hasn't converted into any sales. From now on, if I talk about something, particularly books, I'll add that item to my store.
3. I want to expand the reach of my blog. Pretty much all my regular readers are personal friends. That's great, and I love that you guys read, especially when you comment or talk to me on FB. Some of you have even bought readings already, and I'm so excited to do them for you. But my friends aren't necessarily the target audience for things I want to do in the future. So, I want to reach more people.
I'm floundering a bit on what to focus the blog on. I'm doing more personal growth and spiritual work lately, and to me that seems to dovetail nicely with the mental health stuff I also talk about. But it seems that people don't search for those terms together. I thought about toning down the mental heath stuff, but it's so central to who I am and what I go through, that I don't feel I can. So, I will still talk about my struggles with bipolar and in particular depression, but I'll be adding more of the self-help/personal growth/spirituality stuff, too. I'll try to make the post titles obvious as to which is which because some people like one more than the other.
4. Begging, money, stupid crap like that - Here's the deal. . . Unemployment compensation ran out for me in January. Between tutoring, a tax refund, a few hours a week of research for a small company, and some help from Vocational Rehab (and now selling some readings), I've been . . . getting by. I've had to borrow gas money from the kid a couple times, which is embarrassing, and had her phone get turned off (for a day or two) a couple of times.
On May 1st, I get $733 for my VA disability payment, plus $532.24 from Voc Rehab. This is the only guaranteed income I have at the moment (and last week was the last week for getting work from the small company).
Starting May 1, rent is $700 plus I have to pay $133.33 for May, June and July for the pet deposit I sort of never paid. Management finally realized I have the cat (thanks to all the trouble with the A/C), and I've got to pay. The manager is allowing me three months to come up with it, but even that is a bit rough at the moment. Plus, I have to include the water bill (can't find the bill at the moment, but it's been running $55-68/mo) with my rent on the 1st. I still have a storage unit. I've been trying to whittle down what's in there so we can get a smaller unit, but it's slow going. The rent on that has gone up every year, and is now $164 - which is ridiculous. And yes, there is stuff in there that I do NOT want to get rid of. I *will* be in a 2-bedroom place again at some point and have the room for the stuff. So that's:
$1265.24 coming in on the first and roughly (depending on the water bill) $1057.33 going right back out. Then there's the $73 for the electric bill and the $100 on the internet bill (I'm a little behind on both), leaving me about only $35 for gas and groceries for the whole month. Now, final exams are coming up, so I'll likely have some tutoring appointments to help out with that, but not nearly enough. And I have to pay for a CPR class (~$30) and $70 for my teaching credential.
June is interesting.
First, tutoring dries up in the summer. I usually have a couple of summer clients who are either repeating a class or trying to keep their skills up for the next one, but last summer, I ended up with only one for only part of the summer.
If I do pay for the CPR class and credential, then Voc Rehab will call me "employment ready" and I'll be eligible for 2 months more of the subsistence allowance at the full rate of $725.78. So, that will help. But I have to be able to pay for the class and processing fee for the credential to get that.
So, yes, I guess I'm begging a bit. If I can't land a job in the next couple of weeks (and I'm long-term unemployed, which makes it tough), I'm kinda screwed.
I'd so much rather earn the money through affiliate sales, tutoring and doing readings than have any more given to me. People have helped me out so much over the last several years, especially during times when I could not earn (applying for disability and doctors telling me not to work) but I'm still used to being independent. I'd rather earn than beg.
A couple of people have bought Leonie Dawson's Incredible Year Workbook - THANK YOU! It now takes 2 months to get paid for that, but it seems to be pretty standard across affiliate programs and every little bit helps (for a reminder, I get 50% of anything bought on her site through my links). Since this is the only one of her products (and it's the cheapest) that I've actually used, it's the only thing I feel comfortable hawking, but if you like her stuff and want to buy anything else, it would help me out if you went through my link. I'm not sure how long the tracking cookie lasts, but at least 24 hours.
Also, I do have Google Adsense on this site (you may have noticed). To date, I've made a total of $22.22 from it. While that's a very interesting number (not only for the repetition and palindrome, but in numerology 22 is a "master" number) but they don't send a check until it hits $100. More eyes means more earning, so please, if you know anyone who might enjoy any of my themes or particular posts, I would appreciate you sharing it with them.
All this to say. . . I'm adding a "Donate" button to the sidebar. This week a couple of fantastic people wanted to help me out, but didn't want to get a reading, since they don't believe in that kind of thing. I totally understand that. I know a lot of the people who read the blog are not remotely interested in some of the stuff I'm trying to hawk.
So, if that's you, please hit the Donate button here or on the sidebar. It is through PayPal, and I do have a merchant account from back when I sold books a lot. $5 at a time adds up. For some reason, I'm completely certain that come Fall, I'll have a job. I don't know why I'm that certain, but I am. I don't know where it will be, or even if it will be teaching (I think so), but I'm certain. So, it's a matter of getting through the summer to get to that job.
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Last night was the last class of my student-teaching seminar.
I turned in all my assignments. The last one isn't graded yet, but I've got an A right now. If I totally screwed it up, I suppose it could drop to a B, but that's unlikely.
Problem is, I've had the material to finish up the TPAs for a year and a half. There are four of them, and two had to be done before student teaching and the other two were supposed to happen during student teaching.
I have the materials.
But the things are stupid and long and repetitive.
I can't work on it for long without wanting to throw my computer across the room.
Of course, that's not really the limiting factor.
I've done lots of stupid, long, and repetitive things in my life; who hasn't?
The Scream - Edvard Munch (Yes, I feel like this: complete existential angst)
The limiting factor is fear.
The closer I get, the more scared I am.
I still haven't gotten the letters of recommendation and/or introduction from my mentor teachers.
Why?
Because I'm embarrassed I haven't asked for them yet. I should have done so in January 2012.
I've been told that because I'm finishing up the requirements and it will only be a matter of weeks until I get the credential, I can start applying for jobs.
Except I really can't without the letters of recommendation.
Sooo, I have to get them. I've planned to do so several times in the last few months. But I've never actually done it.
I know that I will feel a lot better once I do.
But still, I stall.
I'm terrified of interviewing for a teaching job.
I know it's because it's new, and because I'm not completely certain this is something I can do.
I keep realizing that other people at my stage know so much more about the hiring process, about résumés for education, about what they are supposed to do. I never invited the principal to watch me when I was student-teaching. I didn't know I was supposed to. Others knew they were supposed to. How?
And I'm in a position now where I have to get a job, NOW. It doesn't matter what it is - I just need to be able to bring in at least $1000/mo through August to be able to pay the bills. And I keep putting it off.
I'm scared into immobility; gone "tharn".
I have been here before - this is one of the ways I create a crisis, over and over again.
I'm aware of that.
And I still do it.
This is annoying as well as scary.
And I know how much better it will be once it's all done and over with.
After all, I agonized about graduating from my university so much I forgot to put in my application, and never walked in the ceremony.
Isn't this exactly the same thing?
It's just a little bit more work. Just a bit.
And then something I've been working towards for almost 11 years now will be done.
Don't I deserve that?
There's also a thing where once I've got the credential, I'll get two months of job search assistance from the V.A. Voc Rehab people, including $725/mo for those two months, money I could really use.
Actions for the next week:
1. Finalize and turn in TPA 3.
2. Find $$ for the CPR class and preliminary teaching credential application. This money will be refunded by the VA, but I need to come up with it first.
3. After my tire is replaced, get my butt to the school I did my student teaching in to get the letters of recommendation.
4. Apply for . . .how many? Minimum of 2? temp agency and/or tutoring center jobs.
Must.Take.Action.NOW.
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by Colette Baron-Reid. You can find out more about Colette here.
deck: 
. Baron-Reid's book The Map: Finding the Magic and Meaning in the Story of Your Life
is at that link. 
where Kay Redfield Jamison describes mania:
Oracle deck by Joules Taylor. There are several layouts that came with this set that I only use with this deck. There are 52 cards broken down by color into Helpers, Places, Tools and Totems. The cards are round, so all the positive and negative connotations of the cards are in each one.
The Diamond Dreamer as an Ally.
