I'm me, of course. But who am I really?
How can you love yourself, if you don't know who you are?
When I look back at the years of depression, I discover that I'm not who I thought I was, or at least, I didn't act like I was that person.
I thought I was going to raise my kid with a spiritual, social and ecological consciousness.
I thought I was someone with strong faith in things you cannot see, in the goodness of people.
But when push came to shove, when life got hard, I turned into someone I didn't recognize.
I lost my faith, in anything spiritual and most of all in myself.
I lost my spark, my hope.
I began to hate people. I was full of anger. (And of course, there's that whole "depression is anger turned inward" thing.)
I intellectually knew things I *should* be doing to make things better, but I was incapable of doing them, which fed the cycle more, leading to beating myself up.
I allowed my kid to grow up thinking McDonald's was the best meal ever, instead of giving her mostly healthy homemade meals. In the beginning, it was because I was working and tired. Later, it was because I was depressed and would "forget" to cook something (really, I just couldn't get out of my chair). I allowed her to grow up thinking sitting at a dining table was only for special occasions. I allowed her to grow up with a TV always on in the house. That is so not who I thought I was.
I was "into" yoga when yoga wasn't cool. But for the last 15 years, I've barely had any yoga practice at all, much less a daily practice that I once had. Ditto for my spiritual practices.
So, now, here I am.
I'm not currently depressed, but I'm also not the person I used to think I was. And I don't know if I can ever be that person.
So, who are you?
Are you who you think you are?
Look at the things you believe about yourself.
And then look at your actions.
Do your actions reflect your stated values?
If not, then you need to look at both those things, and you have two choices.
1. Start working on making your actions match your values.
2. Adjust your image of who you are.
I'm working on both.
For example, for the first time in my life, I'm making lists of things that need to get done, and I'm making a concerted effort to get them done.
There's a couplefew of reasons for me doing this.
- It's part of my journey to be more disciplined.
- In the past, I often sit in my home, thinking about the housework or paperwork or other stuff that needs to be done and get overwhelmed. Then nothing ever gets done, because I've spent all my energy THINKING about it, instead of doing it. Making lists is helping me capture the stuff that needs to be and frees up my head for other things. So far, I'm not always getting it all done, but I am getting more done than I have in a long time.
- This is also the first time I've made clearly defined goals, and if I just continue to sit on my ass not take any action, then I won't make those goals.
In the past, this would have made me feel . . . restricted, confined. But right now, I'm seeing it as key to the changes I want to make.
So, do your actions match your values? Are you who you think you are? Can you become who you want to be?
You have to know who you are, before you can move forward, before you can love yourself. You have to accept yourself, warts and all.